The problem with love is a problem of language. When I can use one word to encompass my feelings for my wife, my brothers, my new TV, Arrested Development, Abita Turbodog, and that warm pizza sitting right over there, things get screwy. I?m not advocating an Eskimo-describing-snow reform of the English language (which is a myth anyways), but it does beg the question of how we arrived at such a wide definition of something so essential to our humanity in the first place.
The answer, in part, lies with our brilliant ?Mad Men.? ?There?s no better human emotion to co-opt and commercialize than love. If I can take the intense goodwill you feel for your spouse or partner and attach it to my brand of car, cereal, beer, etc.; I can put a price tag on the feeling and line my pockets with your cash.
In the powerful hands of advertisers and mass media, the word love is bent and skewed before being tossed back at us. The advertising world?s main purpose is to sell, so it is their duty to craft in us a consumer mindset. And the modern consumer mindset is not based on loyalty. It?s based on competition.
In the consumer mindset, if something is broken, you don?t fix it. Instead you go out and buy a new one.
One of the biggest flaws with this approach to relationships is that we all, at some level, have an awareness of our own brokenness. So even though our culture is telling us to avoid the broken and seek the new, we know that we, too, are broken and are to be avoided. This is why so many people are unhappily jumping from one relationship to the next. It?s why we?re guarded when we should be open. It?s why we?re culturally obsessed with a man or woman systematically voting people off a show after a series of shallow dates.
Our consumer culture is trying to erase the most important aspect of any loving relationship: commitment.
A psychologist and professor named Robert Epstein has been studying the quantifiable aspects of love for years. He is especially interested in how Western marriages compare to Eastern marriages. What he continues to find is that even though many Eastern marriages are arranged and do not feature the ?falling in love? moment that Western marriages do, they often have many more indications of love over time than Western marriages.
In a recent article titled ?Fall in Love and Stay That Way,? Epstein wrote:
?We grow up on fairy tales and movies in which magical forces help people find their soul mates, with whom they effortlessly live happily ever after. The fairy tales leave us powerless, putting our love lives into the hands of the Fates?A careful look at arranged marriage, combined with the knowledge accumulating in relationship science, has the potential to give us real control over our love lives?without practicing arranged marriage. Americans want it all?the freedom to choose a partner and the deep, lasting love of fantasies and fairy tales. We can achieve that kind of love by learning about and practicing techniques that build love over time.?
That is the essence of commitment: building love over time.
Our relationships tend to burn bright and fast. The mutual agreement from the start is that it will be over as soon as one partner stops pleasing the other. After all, there are plenty of other potential partners to choose from. Our ?love? for our partner is now the same type of ?love? we have for our smart phones. It lasts until that new, sleek, robo-sultry-voiced version is readily available.
Arranged marriages don?t begin with love. A participant in one of Epstein?s studies even called it ?like at first sight.? ?But since the foundation of the relationship is commitment, neither partner needs to fear the other leaving at first sight of an updated model. This commitment leads to a safety that promotes intimacy. Couples can be open and transparent with one another without the fear of driving someone away. They can share secrets, confess fears, have bad days, try on new philosophies, be ugly, apologize, and forgive without worrying about betrayal. Instead of running away, there is a constant running-toward.
In other words, commitment is a turn-on.
I am in no way advocating arranged marriages in our culture (although it would be hilarious to see the parents? input on shows like The Bachelor), but I think an increased value can be placed on the devout nature of love. Devotion requires strength and creativity, which in turn can lead to all kinds of sexy.
Even though our consumer culture has put a huge effort into presenting manliness as remaining detached and immature, commitment resonates deeply inside every man. It is the charge to be heroic, to stay strong in the darkest hours. It is that moment in the plot when everything seems doomed, the moment where the hero musters his strength to charge again and defeat the darkness. Commitment is a guaranteed adventure?and can be a precursor to great sex.
Yes, I do love that pizza. And I love Turbodog too. But I would never fight, sacrifice, or set this whole damn world on fire in pursuit of them.
That?s the type of love I reserve for my wife. And that love?s not for sale.
?Photo?nathanmac87/Flickr
Source: http://goodmenproject.com/sex-relationships/commitment-is-the-new-kinky/
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